


Saiya-jin Mating Habits

by GokuGirl



Category: Dragon Ball
Genre: Alternate Universe, Fluff, Humor, M/M, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-07-23
Updated: 2002-07-23
Packaged: 2018-04-10 19:15:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4404008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GokuGirl/pseuds/GokuGirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A Saiya-jin mystery is uncovered as Nature Lady brings a camera crew into the jungle.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Saiya-jin Mating Habits

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [The Chibi's Mating Habits](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/131456) by Reishin. 



> "The Chibi's Mating Habits" is a Gundam Wing fanfic.
> 
> Embrace the impossible existence of Goten, Trunks, and Gohan or consider them alternate dimension demi-Saiya-jin. You'll see why I say this later on.

_**Nature Lady:**_  The African jungle, known for its savage beauty, is home to some of the most mysterious creatures in the world. Join us we take a closer look at the enigma known as the Saiya-jin.

[Setting: A small clearing surrounded by many tall trees. Colorful birds flit around in the branches as insects buzz almost annoyingly.]

 ** _Nature Lady:_** Here we are in a prime spot. Two of my most favorite Saiya-jin frequent this place as if it holds some sort of special memories for them. There is a tall, spiky-haired one I call Kakarotto and a short, flame-haired one I've dubbed Vegeta. (voice growing hushed as bushes began to rustle) It looks as if one or both will make an appearance.

(Vegeta pops his head up from the bush and look around quickly. He raises his head to sniff the air before stepping out into the open. Crouching, he quickly tries to cross the empty area in the middle before being spotted. He smirks triumphantly as he nears the other side, but freezes when the bushes began to rustle again and a blue head pops up from them.)

 _ **Vegeta:**_  (opening his mouth and letting out a cry) Baka! Baka! Baka!

 _ **Nature Lady:**_ He calls to his mate as the blue-haired female I've come to term "Stalker Bitch" spots him. Not knowing what to do, Vegeta runs for the nearest tree and climbs as quickly as possible. Stalker Bitch stands at the base of the tree and looks up helplessly at her reluctant prey. Lucky for Vegeta that her species, that of the Damned Onna, can not climb trees very well.

(Bushes rustle for a third time and a spiked head pops up. Kakarotto springs from the bushes and runs for his mate.)

 ** _Kakarotto:_**  (concerned for his mate) Ouji! Ouji?

 ** _Vegeta:_** (answering) Baka! Baka!

 _ **Kakarotto:**_ Ouji!

 ** _Nature Lady:_**  After learning that his mate is fine, Kakarotto turns to Stalker Bitch. He will now try to make her leave Vegeta alone.

 ** _Kakarotto:_**  Iie Onna no Ouji. (points toward himself) Baka no Ouji.

 _ **Nature Lady:**_  He lays claim to Vegeta, but the stalker refuses to give up.

 ** _Stalker Bitch_** ** _:_**  (hands on hips) Shoyuu!

 _ **Kakarotto:**_  (getting angry) Iie shoyuu!

 ** _Stalker Bitch_** ** _:_**  (glaring at him) Iie shoyuu!

 ** _Kakarotto:_**  (becoming fed up) Baka no Ouji! (he grabs Stalker Bitch and tosses her aside into a clump of sticker bushes)

 ** _Stalker Bitch_** _ **:**_  (screaming with pain) ITAI!!! (jumps up and runs off while screaming her head off)

 _ **Kakarotto:**_  (flashing victory sign and looking smug) Baka no Ouji.

 ** _Nature Lady:_**  Ownership re-established, Kakarotto joins his mate in the tree for a little well-deserved r&r.

(Leaves shake violently and several branches break off to fall to the ground.)

 _ **Vegeta:**_  (moaning) BAKA!

 _ **Nature Lady:**_  (sweatdropping) Well, maybe not.

(Large branch makes a huge cracking sound and falls down towards her. Nature Lady barely jumps out of the way.)

 _ **Nature Lady:**_  (slightly breathless) Let's go somewhere where I'm less likely to be killed, shall we?

 

[Setting: A beach with pristine white sand and crystal clear blue water.]

 ** _Nature Lady:_**  Ah, such a lovely vision of nature. Nestled between the Indian Ocean and the steamy jungle, we have this beach. It's a favorite spot of the strange lavender-haired Saiya-jin and his potential mate who, remarkably, looks nearly identical to Kakarotto. Unfortunately, the Kakarotto clone, who I've dubbed Goten, has major competition for Trunks.

(Trunks is relaxing on the beach nearly naked in his loin cloth. Eyes closed, he never notices the horror about to befall him until it's too late.)

 ** _Rabid Mob:_**  BISHOUNEN!

(Trunks jumps up from the beach and spins around to face the group of giggling onna. He panics and runs off in the opposite direction.)

 ** _Trunks:_**  Onna! Onna!

(Trunks heads away from the water and to the jungle in an attempt to find someplace to hide. A few of the faster girls tackle him around the legs and take him down.)

 ** _Trunks:_**  (truly frightened as girls crawl all over his body) CHIBI! CHIBI! CHIBI! CHIBI!

 ** _Goten:_**  (jumping out of a tree at the distress call and answering) Koi!

 _ **Nature Lady:**_  Now, it's time to chase the females off. Goten approaches them warily lest a few detach from the group and glomp him instead.

 _ **Goten:**_  (shouting) Chibi no bishounen!

 ** _Rabid Mob:_**  (staring blankly at him) Eh?

 ** _Goten:_**  (slower) Chi. Bi. No. Bi. Shou. Nen.

 ** _Nature Lady:_**  Apparently those simple words are too complex for the mob (whose lust for Trunks has driven all other thought from their mind). Goten knocks the girls away from his mate and pulls him to his feet, checking for injuries.

 _ **Goten:**_  Koi?

 _ **Trunks:**_  (hand going to small bleeding cut on his cheek) ...

 _ **Goten:**_  (extremely angry that they hurt his mate) OMAE O KOROSU!!!

 ** _Rabid Mob:_**  (running down the beach) GOMEN NASAI! GOMEN NASAI!

 _ **Nature Lady:**_  When he catches them... Well, there's no telling what he'll do. To save you from witnessing an act of extreme violence-

 ** _Goten:_** (shouting) SHINE! (sounds of ki blast explosions)

 ** _Nature Lady:_**  Um, to save you for witnessing *even more* acts of extreme violence, we will move on to the next couple.

 

[Setting: A hidden glade within the jungle that comes complete with a waterfall.]

 _ **Nature Lady:**_  Sometimes a Saiya-jin is attracted to someone outside his species. When this happens, the Saiya-jin is usually the one to initiate the mating. Here is a man of Namek-jin origin who is apparently mediating above this stream. A gravity defying feat, believe me. I call him Piccolo.

(Piccolo appears completely oblivious to his surroundings, but you can see his ears twitch now and then.)

 ** _Nature Lady:_**  The Saiya-jin has come here every day for a week straight to take some sort of lessons from the green man. They first fight each other and then they settle down to meditate. Today, though, Gohan is late. I wonder what he has in mind.

 ** _Gohan:_**  (quietly approaching from behind) Sensei no kawaii.

 _ **Nature Lady:**_  Gohan draws ever closer and Piccolo has yet to move. The young man suddenly leaps at his instructor in an attempt to glomp him. In a movement almost too fast to see, Piccolo dodges. Amazing!

(Gohan falls into the stream with a splash and comes up spluttering. Piccolo points to his ears and smirks.)

 _ **Nature Lady:**_  I think Piccolo is telling Gohan that he heard him the entire time. This angers the youth and he rises to try again.

(Gohan lunges at him with pretty much the same result as before. He shakes the excess water from his body and goes to sit on the shore.)

 ** _Nature Lady:_**  Is the Saiya-jin giving up? Or is there something more behind his action?

 _ **Gohan:**_  (sadly) Sensei....

(Piccolo lands on the ground and slowly goes over to the crying Saiya-jin.)

 _ **Nature Lady:**_  It appears that Piccolo feels badly for not allowing Gohan his fun. Watch as he comforts his young student.

 _ **Piccolo:**_  (sitting beside him) Douji.

 ** _Gohan:_**  (perking up) Sensei?

 ** _Piccolo:_**  (struggling for a moment with his emotions) ...

 ** _Gohan:_**  (grinning widely) SENSEI!

 _ **Nature Lady:**_  All is forgiven as Gohan throws himself into the strong arms of his instructor.

 ** _Gohan:_**  (nuzzling Piccolo's neck) Sensei no kawaii.

 _ **Nature Lady:**_  We will allow them their privacy as Gohan coaxes the gentle side out of the Namek-jin. Tune in next week for a look at the societal structure of the Ctarl-Ctarl.

(Scene starts to fade away but stops as Nature Lady's voice is heard again.)

 _ **Nature Lady:**_  Oh, there seems to be something else going on with our first couple. Let's go see, shall we?

 

[Setting: An clearing that's different than the first one, but just as surrounded by trees and other vegetation.]

 _ **Nature Lady:**_ Another Damned Onna is attempting to make off with one of the Saiya-jin, but this time she is preying upon Kakarotto. We will call her "Screaming Harpy".

 _ **Screaming Harpy:**_ Shine, Ouji! Onna no Baka!

 _ **Nature Lady:**_ Screaming Harpy has laid claim over Kakarotto, uncaring that he is with another. She also will not take no for an answer. Vegeta appears to be at his wit's end and Kakarotto is strangely silent.

 ** _Vegeta:_** (moving to stand between the Harpy and Kakarotto) Damned Onna!

 ** _Nature Lady:_** Screaming Harpy is now changing tactics. What is she pulling out? Is that a gun?!

 ** _Screaming Harpy:_** (smirking evilly) SHINE, OUJI! (she pulls the trigger and the two Saiya-jin start dodging like crazy)

 _ **Nature Lady:**_ (ducking for cover) I don't think she has much control over that machine gun because a few bullets are straying awfully close to Kakarotto. Vegeta seems to be extremely frustrated (as well as angry) at this as he reaches behind his back.

 _ **Vegeta:**_  (pulling out a giant hammer) OUJI NO BAKA! (he brings it down to flatten the Screaming Harpy into a pancake)

 _ **Screaming Harpy:**_  (weakly) itai.... (passes out)

 _ **Kakarotto:**_  (jumping up and down with glee) Ouji! Ouji! Ouji! (glomps him and knocks the smaller Saiya-jin down) Ouji...

 _ **Vegeta:**_  (nuzzling him) Ouji no baka.

 ** _Kakarotto:_**  Hai! (suddenly the nuzzling turns into making out and hands stray into places that make Nature Lady blush)

 ** _Nature Lady:_**  After rescuing his mate from the Screaming Harpy's evil clutches, the two Saiya-jin settle down for a little alone time. (she pulls out a camera with a evil little grin and takes a picture) For my own personal collection.

 ** _Vegeta:_**  (hearing the click of the shutter) Nani?

 _ **Kakarotto:**_  (spotting Nature Lady and camera crew) HENTAI NINGEN!!

(The two Saiya-jin jump up and throw ki blasts at the camera crew in their nearly naked state. The ningen scream and take off in the opposite direction.)

 ** _Nature Lady:_**  (whispering) At least I still have my picture. (before she can blink a beam of ki turns the Polaroid to ashes) Ah, nuts.

(The scene fades into static.)

**Author's Note:**

>  __  
>  **  
> **  
> Glossary of Terms and Phrases  
>   
>   
> 
>  _\- Baka:_ idiot  
>  \- _Baka no Ouji:_ idiot's prince (the)  
>  \- _Bishounen:_ beautiful male  
>  \- _Chibi:_ little one  
>  \- _Chibi no bishounen:_ little one's bishounen (the)  
>  \- _Douji:_ kid/child  
>  \- _Gomen nasai:_ very sorry (I am)  
>  \- _Hai:_ yes  
>  \- _Hentai:_ pervert/perverted  
>  \- _Iie:_ no  
>  \- _Itai:_ sound made when in pain  
>  \- _Koi:_ love  
>  \- _Ningen:_ human  
>  \- _Omae o korosu:_ I'm going to kill you. [Heero Yuy's favorite phrase.]  
>  \- _Onna:_ woman/women  
>  \- _Onna no Baka:_ woman's idiot (the)  
>  \- _Ouji:_ prince  
>  \- _Ouji no Baka:_ prince's idiot (the)  
>  \- _Sensei:_ teacher/master  
>  \- _Sensei no kawaii:_ teacher's cute (the)  
>  \- _Shine:_ die  
>  \- Shoyuu: my possession/mine
> 
>  
> 
> __  
> **  
> **  
>   
> Identities  
>   
> 
>  _\- Stalker Bitch:_ Bulma __  
> \- Screaming Harpy: ChiChi


End file.
